This is a real story that happened to my friend. For the confidentiality, let’s his name be Peter. Peter was a very lover-like and sweet boy. He could easily fall for girls and be faithful to her for a long time. During the holidays, he met this girl, Helen, in a party. He had quite a good time with her during the party, so Peter asked her out for a few dates. They started getting physically close. Peter realized that the relationship was going quite well, so he wanted his best friend, Fred, to know her. However, Fred was quite good in talking to girls. Off the record, a playboy would describe Fred’s personality.
As Peter wanted his best friend to know his date, all three of them went out together; they all had an enjoyable time, so Fred got her number. Behind Peter’s back, Fred went out with Helen couples of time. Meanwhile, Peter’s feeling for Helen increased tremendously. He liked her very much. Nevertheless, the moment of truth came shortly afterward. Helen told Peter that they should stop seeing each other. Totally bewildered, Peter demanded an explanation, but Helen refused to do so. Nonetheless, after Peter pestered for the answer a few days later, she told him, “Fred and I went out couples of time. Once, we drank together. While we were tipsy, we slept together.” Peter was stoned. His best friend for many years chose to betray him for a girl whom they just knew. He stopped talking to Fred after that incident, although Fred and Helen both apologized and told him it’s because of intoxication. Still, Peter thinks this is too much to forgive them.
Should Peter forgive Fred for his action and talk to him again? After all, if a four-years-long friendship is ended because of a girl who they barely know.
P.S. This story is an account of an incident, so it might not be perfectly accurate. The names in this story are all made-up for storytelling purpose.
Wow. Billet, when I read this...I really didn't know what to think. Conflicts over romantic betrayals are the messiest! :P
ReplyDeleteWell, if I were Peter, I'd take some time off to think about the whole thing and talk to other people (like close friends and family) to sort my feelings and straighten out my thoughts. Then I think I'd meet up with Helen and Fred separately, to talk about the incident. Face-to-face talks are the most sincere, and have all the highly-important non verbal signals and messages. It is least likely that misunderstandings will occur; which is vital in this situation. The last thing anyone would want is more misunderstandings to complicate matters.
In my opinion, Peter has to express to Helen how he felt/feels about her, and to let her know how her actions have hurt him. As for Fred, he ought to know how disappointed and angry Peter is with him. What's done can't be undone, but those in the wrong ought to know the magnitude of their (irresponsible) actions; so they think twice -and hopefully control themselves- should a similar situation appear in the future.
I don't somehow think things will be the same between Peter and Helen anymore, even if they do try to 'start over'. As for his friendship with Fred, it will probably never be as close as it was (best-friend status) before this whole incident. Trust is a very important thing in any relationship, and a betrayal of this magnitude isn't something one just bounces back from and easily forgets. Yes, Peter ought to forgive Fred, for the sake of his own mental health and not having to carry around all the hurt and bitterness; but he can hardly be expected to embrace him as a best-friend again.
After all, if someone is capable of betraying you (even if it's under the influence of alcohol) once, all he needs is another round of drinks to do it again.
Hi Yuen May
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your comment. I think it's true that he could meet them up separately. However, I think it's a little difficult for Peter to face any of them. It's gonna be really hard to start a conversation actually. For us, it doesn't seem that hard, but for Peter it's not easy. I think for one good thing is Peter can see the true colour of his friend. This situation is not easy, so thank you for your comment anyway.
Hi Billto
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the title of your post, I guess it must be a really hard question. Just as Yuen May said, romantic romantic betrayals are the messiest!
However, there is always a solution even to the hardest problem. I think this question is not a general case and has a general best solution. Because it is closely related the personality of all three persons. To what degree Peter can tolerate this kind of betrayal and to what degree Peter like Fred as a close friend will affect the solution and result. Some people are just easy-forgetting and some are not. Some people will get deeply hurt while some can get out of the bad atmosphere in a short time.
Maybe Peter can calm down and be alone for a while to see how can he review the whole thing as time goes by. If he feels ok after somewhere, then he choose to talk to Fred and Helen individually about this. However, If he keeps feeling hurt deeply after some time, it is better to lose this friend as I think. Because if Peter himself cannot forgive Fred in his heart, to meet Fred, to talk to Fred are all hurting himself once again. Anyway, losing a friend is pity but hurting oneself is much worse.
As to Helen, I think Peter and Helen can no longer be couple. If Peter can forgive them, they can be friends, if not, just forget it.
I think in this situation, it is not how to solve talk to people or how to communicate is the most important, it is how to forgive and how to forget are the most important thing.
Hi Billet
ReplyDeleteThis is one post that really makes people hesitate to decide their next course of action- whether to forgive or to hold a grudge against the perpetrator. More often than not, problems arising from the affairs of the heart are complicated and requires one to invest time and effort to set things right.
Firstly, a suggestion for Peter would be to take in a deep breath and avoid seeing the two for a period of time. During this time, he could actually sort out his thoughts and reflect upon the matter. He needs to calm down first, only then he can make rational decisions to solve the issue.
To tackle the problem, Peter could actually engage a face to face interaction with each of them. After all, thrashing things out one on one seemed to be the best solution as no emotions could be hidden. He must learn to control his feelings and not let his anger and frustration run over his head. During the interaction, he should make known his feelings and intentions to her and as what Yuen May has mentioned, "let her know how her actions has hurt him." As for Fred, just make known to him that his playboy attitude towards girls should stop. Not only will it destroy relationships and it also makes a person lose faith in starting a new relationship.
If things do not work out either for both Peter and Helen, then I think Peter should relish the thought of being with Helen. Besides, Helen is just a girl whom he barely knew. As the saying goes, “There are other fishes in the ocean." There are other better girls out there besides Helen. As for Fred, it all depends on Peter’s magnanimity towards such problems. My advice to Peter will be to try adopting the “forgive and forget approach”. If he is unable to do so, then so be it. After all, it was quite a traumatizing blow dealt by Peter on the fact that his friend actually betrayed him. As mentioned earlier, if he still refuses to change his frivolous nature then the friendship should end because you may never know when he might repeat history again. I am quite sure that not many will have that kind of endurance to undergo the same pain if the same mistake is committed again... :/
Hey Billet,
ReplyDeleteAfter seeing your 'I'm a player not a lover' shirt on Thursday I'm hoping you're not Fred. Hahaha. A love triangle muddled with infidelity. Messy indeed. I'm going to stick my head out and admit that if I were in Peter's shoes, I'd blank them both entirely but not without saying a few choice words. But that's why we're taking this course eh. To utilise our EQ levels whilst dealing with such situations.
They say time heals all and I'd have to agree with that in this particular instance. Let the hard feelings subside and then talk to Fred on a clear mind, a clean slate. Even a saint would find it impossible to forgive almost immediately. The period of time they have known the girl for, would also be crucial i think. It would be alot more easier to forgive and forget in that case. If it was a relationship that had lasted a few years, to forgive might still be possible but definitely not forget. Just being practical here. My point here is whatever the case, make it clear to Fred that his misdeed can be forgiven but it would be very hard to be close buddies as before.
7 C's wise, you tick all the boxes except correctness(e.g 1st para 1st line 'happens' to 'happened') Could have been a typo but still a blog buddy might have corrected you on that. That's all from me. Seeya in a couple of hours!
Hi Billet,
ReplyDeleteI guess guys will result to such extremes when it comes to chasing the girls they like. :)
As what Vinod pointed out, time heals all wounds. Peter ought to feel betrayed/angry/disappointed. Afterall, Fred was his friend of 4 years. But whatever the case is, it is not entirely wrong for Fred to fall for Helen(vice versa). We see such cases happening don't we? I believe we can never enforce love on other people.
I agree with Sylvester's "forgive and forget" approach. Nonetheless as Vinod mentioned, it would be hard to be best of friends after whatever that has happened.
As for Fred, he ought to do some self-reflection. Knowing that Peter likes Helen, he should not have make himself involved in the first place.
Cheers!
Hi Billet,
ReplyDeleteHere are some suggestions how on to improve on your blog post. (no hard feelings, ok?)
Second sentence: "For confidentiality reasons, ..."
"From the record" should be "Off the record".
I would forgive him, but I will never trust my "best friend" again. Trust, once lost, is very hard to earn again.
Besides, who can tell whether she won't get drunk and sleep with someone else again?
Wyhow
Thanks, Billet for sharing this story with us.
ReplyDeleteIt's a too common problem, actually, the love triangle. What makes it especially sad in this case is that Peter and Fred are/were best friends. Obviously, Fred's selfishness started the minute he asked for the girl's phone number. His intentions must have been clear, at least to himself, at that point.
Peter strikes me as being a bit naive. Did he read Helen right from the start? Was Helen as loose and as much a "tart" as she comes appears in this story? If he had only known, we might think.
Once the affair became known to Peter, I tend to agree with the suggestions that he give it all space. Trust will have to be rebuilt between him and those two. The question in my mind -- and this all depends on context -- is this: are these relationships so important to Peter that he should even pursue them further? With Fred, an old friend, Maybe. With Helen? Maybe not.
In any case, thank you for the generally clear and concise description. It's initiated some good discussion.
Maybe Peter should consider the entire senario. Was she ever his? Did Peter and Fred really have a best friend type relationship? obviously Peter knew Fred. What did he think...."Player" to "Player" sounds like if Peter brought Fred into the mix, he already knew it was going to be a battle to the "booty". So now the question is, did he really just want to steal Helen back or get his friendship back together......
ReplyDelete